Recriminations and Regrets
by Charmed Lassie
Summary: (One-shot) What was everyone feeling as they went home after the station explosion?


A/N: I wrote this right after the explosion a few weeks ago, I just felt there was a bit to be said. Hope it's to everyone's liking. Oh, and feedback would be much appreicated. Thanks :)

* * *

It was a normal day, that's what I don't get. No indication, no threat, why not a warning? Ken didn't deserve to die, so what if he spent more time picking out his shirt in the morning than cracking cases? Ken Drummond was a part of Sun Hill that wasn't moving, you could be guaranteed to find him stuffing his face in the canteen come lunchtime. The canteen we don't have anymore, it's gone along with Ken. I'm no sap but I have to keep repeating it to make sure it's true. For some people I don't think today'll ever be true. Take Neil, he's just lost someone he cared about. Actually, someone he loved- he's never been the type to drift into affairs (not like me, a voice at the back of my head whispers) so Andrea was the real deal. So what if she was a journalist, he'd have pushed that to the back of his mind, concentrated on juggling her and the job. He'll never get the chance to do that again. We need to find who did this, soon before the trail goes cold… Phil

* * *

The ghost of Des Taviner, as likely a suspect as anyone. Last time there was reason, dodgy notes were a pitiful excuse for blowing up a station but it was still a reason. Where was the logic this time? Three dead, with no reason? I know I've seen coppers come and go, too many of them dying trying to uphold the law but this was different. Despite what Andrea was she was still one of us for a while. And she died with us, along with Ken and Marilyn, to most people that won't mean anything but maybe it does to me. I've seen Smithy in hospital, he's lucky to be alive and Reg… how he'll cope, I don't know. Part of me wants to check up on him but he won't like that, he's much too independent. Maybe it was the ghost of Des, he's the only person I've seen who was able to hurt so many people in one fell swoop… Tony

* * *

It's still sinking in. I haven't exactly been the most vocal with my thoughts today but I agree with most of what others are letting slip. Samantha was expecting Ken to walk right back in as if nothing has happened, I think I'll be like that for a while myself. Whenever I need an expert on food or Hawaiian shirts I think of DC Drummond, perhaps I'll get as far as looking for him before remembering. Without knowing why he was in the van it's difficult to understand and thinking of there is much too hard even for an officer who claims to have seen most of it in her career. I guess it's different when it's your own. And Ken was truly a Sun Hill gem… Ramani

* * *

I'm not naïve enough to put all Sun Hill's problems down to Tom Chandler or Des Taviner but I didn't ever think any of my officers would be put in the position they were today. Some of them didn't make it, as Superintendent I can't help but feel the buck stops here. It should. I had a duty to Ken, even more of one to Marilyn who was just a civilian worker caught up in something aimed at us. I even had a duty to Andrea, she might have deceived us all for a long time but it didn't mean she shouldn't have the right to protection in the station. What makes today all the more tragic is the seemingly unanticipated circumstances. Is there something I should have been noticing in a particular community, has someone come to me with a grievance I've just ignored? I'm not Tom Chandler, the buck does stop here and if I take the blame I'll only be sorry my mistake wasn't caught a few hours ago… Adam

* * *

I don't think I've ever smoked so much, and that's saying something. The trouble is, it isn't calming me down, all the time I'm thinking about that burnt out wreck of a station, the three bodies lying in the morgue… It isn't supposed to be like this, I should be able to block it all out like I have every single time before. Maybe my years at Sun Hill have changed me a little. I suppose Adam would say I've become a bit more readable, something I detest but perhaps right now that doesn't matter. Ken Drummond. Marilyn Chambers. Journalist Andrea Dunbar. I made a crack soon after the explosion about wishing we'd kept her out, I still think that, she was a nuisance, a leak. But if we had kept her out there'd be every chance she'd be alive. At the very least people need to be kept out of harms way when it's not their job. Marilyn, for instance, the front desk operator. Where in the contract did she say she'd give up her life? No, she didn't. This can't be allowed to happen again. I mean the explosion and my reaction to it… Gina

* * *

I slapped Andrea today. She'd wrecked the Alan Kennedy rape trial and I slapped her. I felt like doing more, the way she'd messed us around for months, how she'd completely ruined the trial, I think if we hadn't been in court I would've done much more than just slap her. Now she's dead. No one deserves that, not even her. How did today make me feel? Unimportant. Are we supposed to keep doing this, putting ourselves in danger then coming back to a station that may or may not be still standing by the time we go home? This job isn't meant to be easy, I know that, but when did Marilyn Chambers forfeit her right to being safe? Before or after that van smashed into reception?... Samantha

* * *

She was a journalist, she'd been exposing station secrets for over a year, Andrea deserved everything she got. I can't fool myself though, can I? The reason I left her was because she could expose me for what I'd done to Kerry, for my connection with the sniper, for being David and not Gabriel. If I could have changed what I'd done seconds later I would've, it was a split-second choice and I made the wrong one. But I saved Smithy. It felt… good. Andrea died but Smithy lived. If I'd have tried to pull the roof off her I might not have made it to him in time. I know which one the station wanted me to save. Except for DI Manson. From the way he looked, that worry, he loved her. At least, I think he did, I've never felt like that about one person really, not even Kerry, I can't judge how he feels. I killed Andrea. The van might've exploded, it might've trapped her. But I killed her. But I saved Smithy… Gabriel

* * *

So what now? I go home to my wife and kids, pretending that today was a tragic accident when I lost a good DC and nothing more? I'll have to. Andrea lied to me for months, I can't forget that. But I can't forget the way I felt when we were together, I've never felt anything like that with Pippa. True, that was more a marriage of convenience, Andrea was someone I loved. Loved, past tense. I was about to leave my wife then… I have to compose myself, I have to go home tonight, no matter where I'd like to be. Out there trying to find the scum who did this… Neil

* * *

I should've got him out. Or just got a fire extinguisher. Or just stayed with him. He looked so helpless in the back of that van, I was the only one who could get him out of there and I didn't. Why does that make me, eh? I might be in hospital but I shouldn't be, I practically left him to die. And what about Marilyn? She was in there with me too, why didn't I get her out? She was standing, she was alright, why didn't I get her out of there before it was too late? What Reg must be going through…. It doesn't bear thinking about. Andrea Dunbar- I left her in the station, didn't I? I went against everything I'd been ordered to do just to let her go to her pigeon-hole, and why? To nail Gabriel Kent. If I'd stuck to the rules… If I'd have tried harder… Smithy

* * *

Marilyn, will you marry me? I'd whispered the words so many times to myself I felt like a complete idiot, I thought I'd feel like even more of one when she said no right in the middle of dinner at her favourite restaurant. I don't suppose I'll ever know now. Except, she would've said no, wouldn't she?... Reg 


End file.
